Our past experiences/learning, belief systems, and events have shaped our lives and contribute to helping us make sense of the world. Most of the time these mindsets help us to maintain a moral compass, weather adversity, form strong relationships and find happiness. Sometimes, though, it is easy to get stuck in negative thoughts or in a narrow set of beliefs or expectations. When this occurs,  it is not unusual to develop  conflicts with others, or to experience feelings of anger, stress, anxiety or fear.

According to Molly Allen, PhD, one of the main ways of dealing with negative thinking is to use Cognitive Behavioral techniques first described by Aaron Beck. “This means,” says Dr. Allen, “that you take a hard look at the sorts of ‘nonsense’ that you tell yourself, and try to classify the messages into one of ten categories of cognitive distortions.” She says these include:

• All or Nothing Thinking
• Overgeneralization
• Mental Filter
• Disqualifying the Positive
• Jumping to Conclusions
• Magnification & Minimization
• Emotional Reasoning
• Should Statements
• Labeling & Mislabeling
• Personalization

Adds Allen, “Using the technique of identifying the distortion helps to convert the negative thinking from a  ’my opinion’ status and identifies the flaws in the logic being used. Then you ‘talk back’ to the specific cognitive distortion, usually by journaling the negative thought, picking and naming the distortion you have just used, and countering with a more accurate message. It is really not very difficult to do, particularly if you imagine giving some feedback to a friend who is being too hard on themselves.”

Bruce Nystrom, PhD adds, “Using reality checks and consensus of opinion is also good. And be aware of the consequences: negative thinking produces negative emotion/behavior while positive thinking produces positive emotion/behavior.”

Other strategies to improve how you feel by changing how you think:

• When you disagree with someone, instead of trying to convince them that you are right and they are wrong, listen to their viewpoint and see how both opinions are valid.
•  When you and someone else seem to see opposite sides, try to find a common denominator. Sure, some things may seem to be mutually exclusive, but you might discover that they are really two parts of the whole. For instance, perhaps you are  both materialistic (interested in having new things) and at the same time concerned for the environment. It could mean that you are lighthearted and serious, forgiving and angry, doing your best and needing to do better. On the surface these may appear contradictory, but they are really part of a whole.
• Forget trying to find one indisputable truth–it does not exist. All truths come from learning, observation and intellect. Think of all the times in history when we believed we knew the truth—that the world was flat, that Vikings wore horns on their helmets, that Crisco® was a healthy alternative to butter, that women do not  have the intellectual capacity to vote, that the earth was the center of the universe. Get the point? Acknowledge that one’s sense of truth evolves over time and allow yourself to loosen your hold on any truth that may change with time and circumstances.
• Words have a big impact on how we feel. Using words such as never, always, must, should, shouldn’t, fair, unfair or ideal increases the emotional intensity of your thoughts and narrows your attention. Think, instead, in terms of sometimes, often, helpful, unhelpful, effective, mistake, and interest.  Allow yourself to think about what works, rather than how things should be.
• Remember, while we have personal control over what we do, we are influenced by our past experiences and our current life circumstances. So, for example, someone who grew up in poverty might have very different views of money than someone who grew up with great wealth. Each individual’s viewpoint  is based on these very different experiences which are neither right nor wrong; they’re just different. When interacting with others, do not assume that their beliefs developed in the same way that yours did. Focus on accepting the fact that we are all influenced by our environments. When you interpret someone’s behavior, remember that you can never fully know what that person has gone through in his/her life. Although it may be substantially different from yours, other viewpoints still offer personal truth.

If you feel stuck in a narrow set of beliefs or expectations, find yourself in repetitive patterns of conflict with others or find that you’re stressed, anxious or fearful much of the time, changing how you think might have a big impact on changing how you feel.

Source: Molly Allen, PhD., Bruce Nystrom, PhD., Psych Central