Archive for January 26, 2012

26 Jan 2012
Articles • Mind & Body • Stress Management Programs

“How to Become an Effective CEO (Chief Emotions Officer)”

The key to finding happiness is at the same time deceptively simple, and very hard & complicated. Happiness is in fact the journey, and you only ‘arrive’ at happiness for brief moments, and then the journey continues. Keep pushing forward. – Molly Allen, PsyD

 

 

How to Become an Effective CEO: Chief Emotions Officer

Written by Tim Ferriss Topics: Entrepreneurship, Mental Performance, Practical Philosophy

Chip Conley, founder of Joie de Vivre Hotels

Chip Conley is the founder of Joie de Vivre Hospitality, which he began at age 26 and built to more than 30 properties in California alone. In 2010, Joie de Vivre was awarded the #1 customer service award in the U.S. by Market Metrix (Upper Upscale hotel category).

Conley has also been named the “Most Innovative CEO” in the Bay Area by the San Francisco Business Times, and I’m proud to call him a friend.

We’ve shared many glasses of wine together. He doesn’t know what I’m about to tell you, but it’s true (Hi, Chip!). When we first met, and after reading his first book on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, I wondered “Is this Chip dude for real? Implementing self-actualization in a company?!?” My curiosity drove me to visit a few of his hotels, including Hotel Vitale, where I eventually concluded: these are the happiest employees I’ve ever met.

He has figured out what makes people tick.

The following post is a guest post by Chip and based on his new book, Emotional Equations. Be sure to read to the end, as there is a chance to win an expense-paid trip to SF to spend an entire day training with him.

Deal-making? Empire building? Self-fulfillment? He’s your guy.

Enjoy…

Enter Chip Conley

I graduated from Stanford Business School at age 23 with Seth Godin.

I remember talking with him and others about my aspirations as an entrepreneur and my desire to become a CEO some day. Back then, I thought in order to become a successful CEO, I would need to become superhuman, leaping tall buildings in a single bound. But, after 24 years of being a CEO (I founded Joie de Vivre Hospitality, what’s become the 2nd largest boutique hotelier in the world, and sold a majority interest to a billionaire in 2010), I’ve come to realize that the best business leaders aren’t superhuman, they’re simply super humans as they’ve learned how to become Chief Emotions Officers.

Chief Emotional Officer?

Leaders are the “emotional thermostats” of the groups they lead. If you want to dig into the support for this, read this compelling piece by Daniel Goleman, the man who popularized the idea of “emotional intelligence” in the 90s and proved that 2/3 of the effectiveness of business leaders comes from their EQ rather than their IQ or level of work experience.

There are multiple metaphors I use to describe how emotions work in our lives. One that feels very familiar to me is baggage. Our luggage in life is an apt metaphor for me – a guy who’s been a hotelier for a quarter century. Countless times I’ve seen people show up at our hotel front desks with all kinds of baggage, and only some of it the physical kind. Most of us have emotional baggage that may seem invisible to the untrained eye or invisible to the person carrying the baggage. But the results of lugging that baggage around for years is noticeable in how that person shows up at the metaphorical front desk of life. If you are a Chief Emotions Officer, you are more aware of all the bags you’re carrying and how to open your luggage up and make sense of what’s inside.

Opening up a bag, you may find a truly messy interior with things in complete disarray. But, these emotional equations create a certain logic to how you pack and unpack your bags and, in fact, being a little more conscious of what’s in your bag may allow you to discard a few heavy items that have been weighing you down. Creating your own internal logic regarding your emotional baggage will allow you to carry a lighter bag…one that’s eminently easier to unpack.

4 Emotions to Unpack

We’re going to focus on four emotions that you can start unpacking (i.e. mastering).

Think of emotions as existing on a color wheel. Isaac Newton created the color wheel long ago and helped us understand that red plus blue equals purple, for instance. I learned in my research for Emotional Equations – which allowed me to spend a couple of years with some of the world’s psychology luminaries – that there’s an emotional wheel with primary and secondary emotions: the Plutchik wheel. In my book, I evolve this wheel further so you can imagine that Disappointment + a Sense of Responsibility = Regret. And, once you understand the emotional building blocks of Regret, you can turn it from a downer into a lesson. Regret teaches. Fear protects. Sadness releases. Joy uplifts. Empathy unites. Think of your emotions as messages that give you the freedom, rather than the obligation, to respond. One of my favorite quotes of all time comes from Viktor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning:

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Now, let’s unpack and master the emotions of Despair, Happiness, Anxiety, and Curiosity.

DESPAIR = SUFFERING – MEANING

I am very proud of this equation.

It’s the one that started my exploration of emotions through the lens of equations. I took Viktor Frankl’s book and distilled it down to this useful mantra at a time in my life in 2008, when I had a series of friends commit suicide, had a flatline experience myself while giving a speech in St. Louis (literally: my heart stopped, and I dropped), and the rest of my life felt in disarray. If you consider the words “despair” and “meaning” to be abstract or off-putting, consider “sadness” as a tamer version of despair or “learning” as a more concrete version of meaning.

First off, in order for the math to work, “suffering” has to be a constant. This is the first Noble Truth of Buddhism, but it’s also true, and not just in a recession. You can always find the suffering if you want to look for it. I had no idea when I started writing this book that this decade would come to resemble the 1930s in that our near Depression-like economic conditions would persist as long as they have. But while the Depression was a very difficult time for so many people, interview-based research studies show that it indirectly prepared young women for losing their husbands later in life. These women learned self-reliance, independence, and courage early in life, which served them (and perhaps saved their families) when their husbands passed.

So, consider “meaning” in the following way: many of us go to the gym to exercise our physical muscles to ensure that our physical body doesn’t bloat or atrophy. If you’re going through a difficult time right now, maybe – unwittingly – you’ve signed up for emotional boot camp and you’re being asked to exercise emotional muscles that haven’t had this kind of workout for years. But, this isn’t meant to be just agony. It’s meant to prepare you for later in life. The emotions you may be mastering today – humility, resilience, persistence, a sense of humor – will serve you well at some later point in your life, maybe in the not too distant future.

For me, having my long-term relationship end in the midst of my train wreck of a life in 2009 was the last thing I was looking for. Suffering felt ever-present, like the fog during a San Francisco summer. The foghorn that cut through this opaque time was the question I asked myself on my most sad, self-pitying days, “How is this experience going to serve me in my next relationship? How is this going to make me a better partner when I find my true soul mate?”

These weren’t easy questions to ask when I felt radioactive and couldn’t imagine anyone loving me again. But I kept the exercise metaphor in mind. The fact that I could joke with friends about my emotional boot camp helped me realize that great rewards – or meaning – could arise as a result of this painful experience. So, just know that there are fruits to gather in the valley of Despair.

HAPPINESS = WANTING WHAT YOU HAVE / HAVING WHAT YOU WANT

People often have a love-hate relationship with this equation. The proper definitions of the numerator and denominator are what create the magic. “Wanting what you have” can be translated into “practicing gratitude,” having a reverence for what is working in your life. The more tricky definition is in the bottom of this equation. To “have what you want” is an act of “pursuing gratification.” I want something and it’s my job to go out and pursue it or “have” it in order to satisfy that want.

Don’t get me wrong. The act of pursuing something can bring us a sense of accomplishment and take us into that focused “flow” state. But, the risk is that “chasing something with hostility” (some dictionaries’ definition of “pursuit”) or even with just focused attention can completely distract you from what’s in the numerator, what you already have. Socrates said it best, “He who is not contented with what he has would not be contented with what he would like to have.”

As a type-A guy who’s spent more than my share of time on the hedonic treadmill, I can tell you that it’s very difficult to simultaneously practice gratitude while also pursuing gratification. Some mystics are able to take the bottom of this equation down to zero, which may give them infinite happiness. But, for the rest of us mere mortals, the risk is not in lack of pursuit, as this is part of what modern society demands of us. The risk is that we completely diminish the power of gratitude.

So, the true power of this equation is in keeping your attention on the numerator.

Someone once said to me that feeling gratitude without sharing it with someone is like wrapping a present without giving it to the intended recipient. So, what are the ways you can show your gratitude in such a fashion that it becomes a habit or practice for you that’s ingrained in your everyday life? For me, I needed to start by having it on my conscious “to-do” list each day. I had a rule that I had to give two face-to-face expressions of gratitude each day at work, preferably to someone who found the thank you unexpected. In fact, I wrote about this in the Huffington Post after one of my recent trips to Bali. What if you thought of your expressions of gratitude like a devotional daily offering?

Let me give you a suggestion about a Gratitude Journal as well. They’re not for everyone, just like personal journals resonate with some while repelling others. The purpose of a Gratitude Journal is to help you be conscious about “wanting what you have.” An alternative means of accomplishing this purpose is to have a Gratitude Buddy. Make it a point to meet with your Buddy once a month (or more frequently if you wish) in a location where there are no distractions and ask each other, “What gifts do you have in your life that are easy to take for granted?” and “What was a recent gift that may have been wrapped up as a pain or punishment?”

For those of you who’d like to explore this equation a little further, I have two suggestions.

1. Check out a research article by Jeff T. Larsen and Amie R. McKibban where they literally put this equation to the test (with inconclusive results, but really interesting findings).

2. Watch my 2010 TED talk, in which I share my key learning from my trip to Bhutan to study their Gross National Happiness Index.

ANXIETY = UNCERTAINTY x POWERLESSNESS

After reading more than a dozen books and 50 research studies on anxiety, I was struck by the fact that 95% of the causes of anxiety seemed to be distilled down to what we don’t know and what we can’t control. You may have heard of the study that demonstrated most people would prefer receiving an electric shock now that’s twice as painful as receiving some random shock in the next 24 hours. This is why, as leaders, we need to recognize that hiding the truth, especially when it’s going to come out at some point in the near future, is a futile mistake that can often just increase the amount of anxiety your employees are feeling.

If we know that the combustible product of uncertainty and powerlessness creates anxiety, we can create what I call an Anxiety Balance Sheet to turn this around. Take out a piece of paper and create four columns. Then, think of something that is currently making you anxious. Regarding that subject, the first column is “What Do I Know” about this issue. The second column is “What Don’t I Know.” The third column is “What Can I Influence.” The fourth column is “What Can’t I Influence.” Spend enough time doing this so that you have at least one item per column but you may find that you have a half-dozen items in some columns.

After you feel complete, what do you notice with respect to the four columns? About 80% of the people I’ve worked this through with are surprised that they have more items listed in columns one and three (the “good” columns) than they do in columns two and four. The reality is that when something is making us anxious, we tend to fixate on those elements of the problem that feel mysterious (what we don’t know) or uncontrollable (what we can’t influence). So, there’s some liberation in just outlining what’s making you crazy and realizing that there may be many balancing positives to those issues that are vexing you.

Now, spend some time reviewing the items in column two (what you don’t know). Is there someone you can ask – your boss, your boyfriend, your doctor – who can help you with some needed information that will move this item from column two to column one? Maybe it’s just doing a Google search? I know it’s scary to ask your boss whether your job is in jeopardy, but remember the electric shock example I mentioned earlier. Anxiety can be more painful and debilitating than bad news. Now look at column four and truly ask yourself, “Are you completely powerless about the items on this list?” I’ve found that having a smart friend sit with me can sometimes help me uncover ways to move items from column four to column three.

In sum, just the act of unpacking your anxiety bag and knowing what’s inside can have a profound effect on reducing your fear of the future.

CURIOSITY = WONDER + AWE

We’ve had a subtraction, a division, and a multiplication equation so far. Now, we’ll finish with an addition equation around the experience of curiosity. Recent studies have shown that curiosity is one of the most valuable emotional qualities people can leverage during periods of crisis. Fear and most negative emotions train us to narrow our scope. “Fight or flight” reactions are evolution’s means of helping us avert danger. But, oftentimes, we need to move from narrowing our attention to the “broaden and build” way of thinking that Barbara Fredrickson talks about in her book on Positivity. Getting through your own emotional recession may require bigger thinking rather than narrow execution.

When you’re living in a place of fear, it is hard to be curious. But, I’ve found that so much of it comes back to defusing my natural tendency toward reactivity. In other words, it’s learning to pause. Curiosity is not a reactive emotion. It’s one that takes a certain amount of reflection and a willingness to admit what you don’t know. So, ask yourself, “What habitats allow me to be more curious?” I first had to make a list of which habitats made be less curious: the office, any conference room, investor meetings, and spending time with people who I wanted to impress.

So, I knew that these were not places that were going to help me stoke up bigger thinking. Ironically, when I made my list of curious habitats, I found my list to be longer than I expected: anywhere in nature but especially near a beach with crashing surf; hanging out with kids; museums or other experimental spaces with art; zoos; places with a big night sky and lots of stars; my backyard cottage; and any place where I felt comfortable laughing from my gut (it’s hard to be full of humor and full of fear at the same time).

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that seeking the sacred in life opens up my sense of awe and my ability to connect with curiosity.

I’ve recently made a decision to seek out a sacred festival somewhere in the world each quarter as a means of committing to finding habitats for curiosity. As Tim F. knows (he was a fellow citizen of my camp Maslowtopia), I’ve been an aficionado of Burning Man for many years and some of my best business ideas have come out of my time in the desert marveling at transcendent art and having non-linear conversations.

So, if you’re feeling “on empty” creatively, know that curiosity is the fuel you need to seek. In author Liz Gilbert’s 2009 TED talk (TED is another habitat for curiosity), she shares the fact that the genesis of the word “genius” comes from “genie” and that the most creative people in the world are able to become vessels for the genie to inhabit them. My experience is that these genies prefer inhabiting curious places in the world and that’s where they’re most likely to tap you on your shoulder and give you the gift of inspiration that may change your life.

In sum, the more the external world becomes chaotic, the more we rely upon internal logic. This was true in the 1930s when Nazism and political and religious fundamentalism rose. But, that decade also sprouted new thinking from people like Norman Vincent Peale, Dale Carnegie, Napoleon Hill, Viktor Frankl, and Reinhold Niebuhr (who created the Serenity Prayer).

I hope that you find these emotional equations help you to think differently, live better, and truly become the Chief Emotions Officer of your own life. It’s worth the introspection

MollyAllen | No comments
20 Jan 2012
Articles • Depression • Individual Therapy

Nine Ways to Take Care of Yourself When you Have Depression

For persons who have Depression with a Big ‘D’, their mental health requires maintenance and hard work, but it is work it. – Molly Allen, PsyD Licensed Psychologist

9 Ways to Take Care of Yourself When You Have Depression
By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
Associate Editor – World of Psychology

“Depression is an illness that requires a good deal of self-care,” writes psychologist Deborah Serani, PsyD, in her excellent book Living with Depression: Why Biology and Biography Matter along the Path to Hope and Healing.

But this might seem easier said than done, because when you have depression, the idea of taking care of anything feels like adding another boulder to your already heavy load. Serani understands firsthand the pain and exhaustion of depression. In addition to helping clients manage their depression, Serani works to manage her own, and shares her experiences in Living with Depression.

If you’re feeling better, you might ditch certain self-care habits, too. Maybe you skip a few therapy sessions, miss your medication or shirk other treatment tools. According to Serani, as some people improve, they get relaxed about their treatment plan, and before they know it are blinded to the warning signs and suffer a relapse.

Because skimping on self-care is a slippery slope to relapse, Serani provides readers with effective tips in her book. As a whole, the best things you can do to stave off relapse are to stick to your treatment plan and create a healthy environment. I’ve summarized her valuable suggestions below.

1. Attend your therapy sessions. As you’re feeling better, you might be tempted to skip a session or two or five. Instead, attend all sessions, and discuss your reluctance with your therapist. If changes are warranted, Serani says, you and your therapist can make the necessary adjustments.

Either way, discussing your reluctance can bring about important insights. As Serani writes:

Personally, the times I skipped sessions with my therapist showed me that I was avoiding profound subjects — or that I was reacting defensively to something in my life. Talking instead of walking showed me how self-defeating patterns were operating and that I needed to address these tendencies.

2. Take your meds as prescribed. Missing a dose can interfere with your medication’s effectiveness, and your symptoms might return. Alcohol and drugs also can mess with your meds. Stopping medication altogether might trigger discontinuation syndrome. If you’d like to stop taking your medication, don’t do it on your own. Talk with your prescribing physician so you can get off your medication slowly and properly.

Serani is diligent about taking her antidepressant medication and talks with her pharmacist frequently to make sure that over-the-counter medicines don’t interfere. With the help of her doctor, Serani was able to stop taking her medication. But her depression eventually returned. She writes:

…At first, it was upsetting to think that my neurobiology required ongoing repair and that I’d be one of the 20 percent of individuals who need medication for the rest of their lives. Over time, I came to view my depression as a chronic condition — one that required me to take medication much like a child with diabetes takes insulin, an adult with epilepsy takes antiseizure medication, or someone with poor eyesight wears glasses…

3. Get enough sleep. Sleep has a big impact on mood disorders. As Serani explains, too little sleep exacerbates mania and too much sleep worsens depression. So it’s important to keep a consistent sleep and wake cycle along with maintaining healthy sleeping habits.

Sometimes adjusting your medication can help with sleep. Your doctor might prescribe a different dose or have you take your medication at a different time. For instance, when Serani started taking Prozac, one of the side effects was insomnia. Her doctor suggested taking the medication in the morning, and her sleeping problems dissipated.

For Serani, catnaps help with her fatigue. But she caps her naps at 30 minutes. She also doesn’t tackle potentially stressful tasks before bed, such as paying bills or making big decisions.

(If you’re struggling with insomnia, here’s an effective solution, which doesn’t have the side effects of sleep aids.)

4. Get moving. Depression’s debilitating and depleting effects make it difficult to get up and get moving. Serani can relate to these effects. She writes:

The lethargy of depression can make exercise seem like impossibility. I know, I grew roots and collected dust when I was anchored to my depression. I can still recall how getting out of bed was a feat in and of itself. I could barely fight gravity to sit up. My body was so heavy and everything hurt.

But moving helps decrease depression. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, start small with gentle movements like stretching, deep breathing, taking a shower or doing household chores. When you can, add more active activities such as walking, yoga or playing with your kids or whatever it is you enjoy.

It might help to get support, too. For instance, Serani scheduled walking dates with her neighbors. She also prefers to run errands and do household chores every day so she’s moving regularly.

5. Eat well. We know that nourishing our bodies with vitamins and minerals is key to our health. The same is true for depression. Poor nutrition can actually exacerbate exhaustion and impact cognition and mood.

Still, you might be too exhausted to shop for groceries or make meals. Serani suggests checking out online shopping options. Some local markets and stores will offer delivery services. Or you can ask your loved ones to cook a few meals for you. Another option is Meals-on-Wheels, which some religious and community organizations offer.

6. Know your triggers. In order to prevent relapse, it’s important to know what pushes your buttons and worsens your functioning. For instance, Serani is selective with the people she lets into her life, makes sure to keep a balanced calendar, doesn’t watch violent or abuse-laden films (the movie “Sophie’s Choice” sidelined her for weeks) and has a tough time tolerating loud or excessively stimulating environments.

Once you pinpoint your triggers, express them to others so your boundaries are honored.

7. Avoid people who are toxic. Toxic individuals are like emotional vampires, who “suck the life out of you,” according to Serani. They may be envious, judgmental and competitive. If you can’t stop seeing these people in general, limit your exposure and try having healthier individuals around when you’re hanging out with the toxic ones.

8. Stay connected with others. Social isolation, Serani writes, is your worst enemy. She schedules plans with friends, tries to go places she truly enjoys and has resources on hand when she’s somewhere potentially uncomfortable, such as books and crossword puzzles.

If you’re having a difficult time connecting with others, volunteer, join a support group or find like-minded people online on blogs and social media sites, she suggests. You also can ask loved ones to encourage you to socialize when you need it.

9. Create a healthy space. According to Serani, “… research says that creating a nurturing space can help you revitalize your mind, body and soul.” She suggests opening the shades and letting sunlight in. There’s also evidence that scent can minimize stress, improve sleep and boost immunity. Lemon and lavender have been shown to improve depression.

Serani says that you can use everything from essential oils to candles to soap to incense. She prefers lavender, lilac, vanilla and mango. If you’re sensitive to fragrance, she recommends diluting essential oils, buying flowers or even using dried fruit.

You also can listen to music, meditate, use guided imagery, practice yoga and even de-clutter parts of your home a little each time.

Serani’s last point involves empowering yourself and becoming resilient. She writes:

By learning about your biology and biography, following your treatment plan, and creating a healthy environment, you don’t allow anyone to minimize you or your depression. Instead of avoiding struggles, you learn from them. You trust your own instincts and abilities because they are uniquely yours. If you experience a setback, you summon learned skills and seek help from others to get back on-point. If a person’s ignorance on mental illness presents itself in the form of a joke or stigma, you clear the air with your knowledge of neurobiology and psychology.

MollyAllen | No comments
17 Jan 2012
Articles • Consultation Services • Counseling/Psychotherapy • Couples Therapy • Family Therapy • Grief Counseling • Group Therapy • Hypnosis • Individual Therapy • Issues • Mind & Body • Patients/Clients • Professional Psychology • Specialized Services

Common Cognitive Distortions: We All Have Them

Cognitive distortion is a psychological term most people probably have never heard. Basically, it involves the ways our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions—we tell ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves.

Some Common Cognitive Distortions

1. Filtering: Filtering is when we take negative details and magnify them while filtering out all the positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.

2. Polarized or “Black and White” Thinking: With polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re failures — there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

3. Overgeneralization: In this cognitive distortion, we come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as part of a never-ending pattern of defeat.

4. Jumping to Conclusions: This is when we’re convinced we know what a person is thinking or feeling and why they act like they do, even without asking. In particular, we’re able to determine how people are feeling toward us. For example, a person may conclude that someone is reacting negatively toward them but doesn’t actually bother to find out if they’re correct. Another example is that a person may anticipate things will turn out badly and is convinced their prediction is already an established fact.

5. Catastrophizing: We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use “what if” questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”). For example, a person might exaggerate the importance of insignificant events such as a mistake, or someone else’s achievement. Or they may inappropriately shrink the magnitude of significant events until they appear tiny.

6. Personalization: Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that everything others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to them. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc. A person engaging in personalization may also see themselves as the cause of some unhealthy external event they weren’t responsible for. For example, “We were late to the dinner party and caused the hostess to overcook the meal. If I had only pushed my husband to leave on time, this wouldn’t have happened.”

7. Control Fallacies: If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless, as victims of fate. “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For instance, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”

8. Fallacy of Fairness: We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. People who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel negative because of it.

9. Blaming: We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.

10. Shoulds: We have a list of ironclad rules about how everyone should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they’re trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs “should” statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment.

11. Emotional Reasoning: We believe what we feel must be true, automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. We assume that our unhealthy emotions reflect the way things really are.

12. Fallacy of Change:  We expect other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

13. Global Labeling: We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in the context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves. For instance, they may say, “I’m a loser” in a situation where they failed at a specific task. Mislabeling also involves describing an event with language that’s highly colored and emotionally loaded. For example, instead of saying someone drops her children off at daycare every day, a person who is mislabeling might say that “she abandons her children to strangers.”

14. Always Being Right: We are continually on trial to prove our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we’ll go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” For a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, being right is often more important than the feelings of others.

15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy: We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score and we feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.

Through therapy, psychologists help people learn to change this way of thinking. By learning to correctly identify this kind of behavior a person can then refute the negative thinking.  By doing this continuously,  negative thinking slowly diminishes over time and is automatically replaced by more rational, balanced thinking.

 

Source: Psych Central

Sharon | No comments
16 Jan 2012
Video

Brene Brown — The Power of Vulnerability

MollyAllen | No comments
11 Jan 2012
Articles • Couples Therapy

How Couples Can Manage Money with Less Conflict

Money is much more of an intimate topic than sex or anything else in a couple’s life.  A wise couple are two people who join their lives with mindfulnessness about how to cherish the differences between, while working together towards common goals. – Molly Allen, PsyD

How Couples Can Manage Money with Less Conflict

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
Associate Editor

How Couples Can Manage Money with Less ConflictMoney is a point of contention for many couples. It’s notorious for causing conflicts and ruining relationships. The problem? “Money is very central to people’s identity,” according to Jonathan Rich, Ph.D, psychologist and author of The Couple’s Guide to Love & Money.

It can represent everything from status to success to even self-worth, he said. And partners have the power to influence each other’s finances, which can trigger arguments and anger, he added.

It also can reveal underlying problems between spouses. “If a couple lacks trust and has difficulty working together, these conflicts always play out financially,” Rich said.

To make matters worse, our shaky economy can create or perpetuate stress. “With the current economy, financial stress is a huge issue and it can easily divide a couple and lead to blame,” he said.

 

Conflicting Attitudes About Money

Couples clash when partners have different attitudes about money. Rich has discovered three dimensions:

  • “Lifestyle (frugal vs. lavish)
  • Dependence (depend on other for money vs. self-sufficient and support others)
  • Risk-taking (take risks vs. play it safe)”

The biggest culprit of conflict is lifestyle because of the issues around spending. Frugal partners, which Rich calls “Spartans,” are more interested in penny-pinching in the present and saving for the future. “Monarchs,” partners that prefer a lavish lifestyle, don’t worry about the long term. They might use credit cards more often and incur debt.

Also, partners might take each other’s financial styles personally. According to Rich, Monarchs might think, “If he (or she) really loved me, he would spend more money [and] buy me nice things.” Spartans might think, “If she (or he) really loved me, she would be saving money and helping us to build a future together.”

Managing Money More Effectively

Rich recommended these three tips for managing money effectively as a couple.

1. Identify common goals as a couple.

“Meeting on a regular basis to look at short- and long-term goals can help to sort out priorities and find commonalities,” Rich said. This lets you know what you’re working toward and gives you the motivation to save your money, he said.

“The Monarch and Spartan might both agree that they want to buy a house in the future—but ‘crunching the numbers’ will show the Monarch that it won’t be possible unless monthly expenses are cut enough to save a down payment.”

2. Track your expenses.

Rich stressed the importance of recording your income and expenses. For instance, you might use financial software to keep track. “You might find that a few simple changes can put you over the line from always scrambling and playing ‘catch-up’ to being able to get ahead each month,” Rich said.

3. Work together.

Remember what you love and respect about your partner, and try to appreciate their wisdom, Rich said. “Two people working together well can be a formidable force – together you can come to solutions that you may never have found alone,” he said.

Having Separate Bank Accounts

Today, it’s not uncommon for couples to have separate bank accounts. Rich is frequently asked whether separate accounts are even a good idea. He believes that separate accounts may work for some couples.

But there are several important considerations. If one spouse makes a lot more money, their spending allowance still shouldn’t increase. “It’s a joint venture, and so you need to think of yourselves as contributing and benefiting equally,” Rich said. “Homemaking, parenting, and emotional support are also valuable.”

Also, get together periodically to discuss how this is working. “When funds are short, there might not be room for discretionary money anymore or decisions about who pays what might need to be changed,” Rich said.

MollyAllen | No comments
10 Jan 2012
Anxiety • Articles • Individual Therapy

Reassurance Seeking in OCD

Reassurance Seeking in OCD

 

On January 7, 2012, in OCD, by Steven J. Seay, Ph.D.

Non-washing rituals in Contamination OCD 

Although contamination OCD and washing rituals often go hand-in-hand, many rituals in this domain do not actually involve cleaning or disinfecting.  These more subtle rituals are often based around reassurance seeking behaviors that become ingrained in everyday habit.  In the context of exposure and response prevention (ERP), reassurance seeking OCD rituals are just as important to address as washing rituals.  If you resist washing rituals but continue to engage in reassurance seeking rituals, your recovery will eventually stall (or perhaps never get started at all).

 

Do you believe that knowledge is power?
Do you aspire to optimum health?
Do you believe that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure?

If so, you may be vulnerable to reassurance seeking rituals.

Information-Seeking vs. Reassurance Seeking

Reassurance seeking rituals involve mentally preparing for potential threats.  These compulsions are often based around behaviors such as asking questions or looking up information about disease prevention, transmission, incubation, or symptoms.

Because reassurance seeking rituals are subtle, they might easily slip past you. You might be thinking, “These behaviors are not rituals. They’re simply responsible behaviors.”

Fortunately, not all information-seeking is compulsive.  When I worked at the St. Louis Behavioral Medicine Institute (SLBMI), Alec Pollard discussed the differences between information-seeking and reassurance seeking.  Because information-seeking behaviors are used to become informed, they involve asking questions one time (only) to obtain needed information.  Information-seekers understand the limits of knowledge and ask answerable questions, accept uncertain answers (when appropriate), and use information obtained to draw conclusions.  Decisions tend to be quick and result in some type of behavior change or action.

In contrast, reassurance seeking behaviors are attempts to reduce OCD doubt and uncertainty, as well as anxiety.  As such, reassurance seekers often ask the same question multiple times in slightly different ways.  Many sources are consulted, and often the same source is consulted multiple times to increase understanding and reduce potential miscommunication.  Reassurance seekers often worry that they haven’t understood the answer properly, and they frequently ask for answer repetition or clarification.

Reassurance seekers often ask unanswerable questions or questions that their conversation partners cannot (or are not qualified to) answer (e.g., “Do you think I’m going to get sick?”  or in the case of scrupulosity, “Do you think I’m going to hell?”).  They often know the answer they want to get in advance of asking the question and have a difficult time tolerating uncertain or ambiguous answers.  Upon obtaining an answer, conclusions are typically deferred in hopes of understanding the issue more thoroughly later.  Alternatively, action may be stalled in hopes that better or more accurate information might emerge in the future.  As such, the decision making process is often time-consuming, stressful, frustrating, and non-productive.  Moreover, the decision making process may be stopped and started multiple times due to OCD-related indecision.

Information seeking and reassurance seeking are not wholly separable, and it’s more accurate to think about them existing on a continuum rather than as separate processes.  For exposure and response prevention (ERP) to be most effective, reassurance seeking rituals must be discontinued entirely.  Developing appropriate response prevention guidelines that describe acceptable information search behaviors is necessary.  These guidelines often impose time limits on information search, restrict information sources, and constrain the number of times information can be reviewed.

Reassurance Seeking Rituals in OCD

One of the most common reassurance seeking rituals involves compulsively searching for health-related information online.  Although sources of information may vary in their level of scientific credibility (e.g., the CDC website vs. an online forum), credible information sources are just as vulnerable to rituals as those lacking in credibility.

Other individuals compulsively search for information about their medications. These individuals worry that the only “safe” way to proceed is to find the best medication and to be aware of every possible medication side effect.  Hypervigilance for potential medication side effects often results in body scanning rituals that increase one’s sensitivity to normal bodily fluctuations.  This then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Because these individuals internally check their bodies for potential medication side effects, they become primed to notice “dangerous” or unwanted sensations.  This decreases medication tolerability and leads many individuals to prematurely discontinue helpful medications.

OCD: Common Reassurance Seeking Rituals
  • Using Google, Bing, or other search engines compulsively to obtain disease-related information.
  • Compulsively searching online for possible medication side effects and counter-indications.
  • Reviewing the same information multiple times and/or from multiple sources.
  • Re-reading books, articles, or websites that focus on disease or health-related topics.
  • Body scanning rituals (internally checking for aches, pains, nausea, fatigue, or other unwanted symptoms).
  • Closely monitoring body temperature and/or avoiding extremes in temperature.
  • Taking excessive vitamins and/or supplements in efforts to prevent illness.
  • Compulsive mirror checks (checking skin color/temperature, checking for growths/moles, or checking to see if one looks “healthy” and “rested”).
  • Compulsively monitoring vitals (e.g., blood pressure, temperature, heartrate).
  • Asking or checking with others about their grooming habits and/or hygiene (e.g., how often they shower or how they bathe, etc.).
  • Engaging in excessive exercise or fitness routines in order to prevent disease.
  • Asking reassurance seeking questions that begin with… “Do you think it’s okay if I…?”
  • Asking reassurance seeking questions that begin with… “Is it normal to…?”
  • Adopting non-applicable healthcare guidelines (e.g., following hand-washing guidelines developed for surgeons).
  • Over-cooking food or avoiding certain types of foods because they might be dangerous.
  • Adopting restrictive diets based around eating only healthy foods (i.e, “orthorexia nervosa”).
  • Obtaining excessive inoculations against disease (or alternatively, forgoing all vaccinations).
  • Scheduling excessive doctor’s visits, procedures, or consultations (or alternatively, avoiding all doctor’s appointments).
  • Compulsively searching for the perfect provider before beginning treatment in order to avoid making a mistake, benefiting sub-optimally from treatment, or wasting time/money.
  • Making excessive phone calls to family members when confronted with potentially “dangerous” situations.
  • Tracking, monitoring, and inspecting bowel movements and other bodily secretions.
  • Asking other people to repeat themselves or write things down in order to prevent miscommunication.

Of course, most often individuals with health-related OCD engage in reassurance seeking rituals in combination with washing and cleaning compulsions.  It is also very common to engage in mental rituals.

As I discussed in a previous post, the true purpose of rituals is to escape from an unwanted feeling.  This escape may be superficially based around the idea of washing off germs or viruses, but it’s actually a more generalized process.  Relief comes not so much from actually removing germs, but more from the perception that you successfully averted an unwanted outcome.  Because many individuals with OCD experience a heightened sense of responsibility and a greater fear of potential regret or possible mistakes, they feel compelled to take excessive precautions in situations they perceive as risky.

OCD demands that you seek more certainty and safety. It tells you that you must do everything within your power to live responsibly and avoid risks. It whispers that you can never know enough, prepare enough, or have enough information.  OCD also says that acting on insufficient information is dangerous and irresponsible. It says that you might make a mistake that will have permanent consequences. You might get sick and die, or you might cause someone else to get sick. OCD cautions you to never do things that you might regret someday.

The truth is that we can never have 100% certainty about anything.

No matter how many times you wash or how thoroughly you clean,  you can never be 100% sure that you’re “safe”.  Moreover, the more you listen to OCD and let it establish the parameters of your behavior, the more your symptoms will worsen.

The sooner you recognize that your rituals serve emotional rather than hygienic functions, the sooner your recovery begins.

MollyAllen | No comments
04 Jan 2012
Articles • Children • Parenting

Raising Self Reliant Kids

Parenting is not a spectator sport.  The trick for most parents is to ‘see’ the transitions that their children are making from one stage to another, and to help guide the child with what the child needs to eventually become a self sufficient and healthy adult. – Molly Allen, PsyD

 

 

Raising Self Reliant Kids

Posted: January 21st, 2011 by Michele Borba

 

Parenting strategies to help kids  solve their problems, be self-reliant, bounce back from failure and not use us as their managers, arbiters and palm pilots

A mom was running late as she drove her two sons to school. “Can we pleeeease go back?” her six-year-old pleaded. “I forgot my stamps for show-and-tell.”

Any other day, this mom would have made a quick U-turn to retrieve the forgotten item. She’d done just that—more than a few times. But something clicked in her head:

“If I’m always rescuing my kids, they’ll just take it for granted that I’ll do it for the rest of their lives.”

So this time her response was different.

“I know you’re upset,” she said, “but we’re not going back. I’m sure we can figure out something else for you to share. Let’s brainstorm some ideas.”

Her son was not thrilled, but by the time they got to school, he did have a plan—and this mother experienced an “aha” moment that would help her children learn to be more resourceful and less dependent on her.

How would you have responded? You might want to take a Reality Check and identify your current parenting style with your kids. I dare ya:

Think about how you usually act when your child seems frustrated, seeks help, fails or isn’t doing a task up to your standards. Here are a few possibilities:

The Parenting Style Quiz

Protector: “If you need anything, I’ll be sitting right here during the party.”

Rescuer: “I’ll figure it out for you, honey.”

Over-involved: “I’m calling that kid’s parent and telling her to invite you.”

Enabler: “You’re tired, sweetie. Go to sleep and I’ll finish this for you.”

Perfectionist: “I’m remaking your bed; you didn’t tuck the corners in just right.”

Or something else?

The truth is, if you want to raise an independent kid who can someday thrive (and survive) without you–and oh how I hope you do!–you need to show some restraint in the “lend-a-hand” department. Data shows that the 21st century parenting style is a lot of protecting, rescuing, helicoptering, over-involving, micromanaging, and enabling and it’s not doing our kids any favors.

If you feel just a tad bit guilty, then make a list of reasons why you should break these habits. Or write yourself a letter and describe how it hiders your child’s independence. Reading it everyday will help keep you motivated. Then take a pledge to stop your habit, and go for it! Breaking old habits is hard work, but it’s doable.

Here are tips to help you move from “Doer” to “Guider.” (Believe me, your child will thank you someday!)

Strategies to Build Self-Reliance

Learn to Guide, Not Do

No parents want their children to suffer heartaches and disappointments. Our basic instinct is to try and protect our kids from frustrations and solve their problems for them. But doing so prevents them from developing the very skills they’ll need to deal with the multitude of issues they’ll face in the real world.

If you really want your child to become self-sufficient and thrive without you, your role must be of a guider, and not doer.

That simple twist from doer to guides teaches your children that you expect them to be resourceful by solving their own problems-whatever they may be and that you believe they are capable of doing so.

Back Off From What Kids Can Do Solo

It may be time for your child to fix his own launch, make her bed, do some laundry or call for a dentist’s appointment. It depends on your child’s age, maturation, and current capabilities, of course. The goal is to not overwhelm children with new expectations. Gradually introduce only one new task at a time. Here are three the steps to teaching kids any new skill:

Teach, Guide, Step Back

1. Teach your child how to do the task.

2. Then step to the side and guide your child (watching to ensure that your son or daughter can do the task.

3. Finally, step back when your child has mastered the skill. It’s now time to teach another life skill or task.

Think: What is the one new task I can teach my child today using these three steps that will help him on the road to independence?

Stop Rescuing

You may have found yourself rescuing your kids a lot lately. And oh the excuses we use: “Kyle’s too busy. I’ll do her chores tonight.”

One way to change this pattern is to start with a family meeting where you agree together on a new policy about taking responsibility—whether it’s for doing chores or finishing homework—and how any lapses will be handled. That will also help teach children that their actions have consequences.

Your new parenting mantra: “Never do for your child what your child can do for himself.”

Use picture reminders for young kids

Teach Organization Skills

Is your child misplacing library books? Unable to find  sports gear? Losing teacher notes? Instead of bailing your child out, ask: “What can you do to solve this problem?”

For instance, kids might hang up a special calendar on which they mark library due dates, music lessons, field trips and tests. Even a young children can draw “picture reminders.”

Learning to organize is an important skill all children need for managing their own lives-so they rely less and less on you as time goes by.

Teach Brainstorming

Want your child to be able to solve problems someday without you? Then you must teach the skills of brainstorming. The first step is to identify the problem and express confidence that your child can work it out. You might need to help kids at first understand that brainstorming means coming up with lots of different ideas, no matter how silly those ideas may sound.

The next step is to identify the best ideas and figure out a plan for how to try them. With practice, children can use brainstorming to solve many issues that arise—without your help.

Teach How to Negotiate

Teach tie-breakers like “rock-paper-scissors”

Do your kids expect you to always be the arbiter who will end their battles? Try a new tactic: Teach your kids how to neogitate. Explain that the purpose of negotiation is to work things out so all sides are satisfied. Then establish clear negotiation behavior.

Take turns listening to each other without interrupting. No put-downs. Only calm voices are allowed.

Then practice using this skill as a family. Another negotiation skill kids can do by themselves is to use tie-breakers such as “rock, paper, scissors,” drawing straws or following the rule that “Whoever went first last time goes last this time.” Kitchen timers can also reduce squabbles over sharing.

Talk About the Future

Encourage children to think beyond the here and now, as appropriate for their age. For example, with a young child you might take about the next day or with an older child, the coming summer. This is particularly important because, as author Mel Levine has written in A Mind at a Time, we are experiencing an epidemic of “career unreadiness.” Levine believes there are four major qualities common in young people who make success life transitions:

  1. The are self-aware,
  2. They are keen observers of the outside world,
  3. They possess certain “tools” (the ability to master skills, develop work efficiency, and think productively), and
  4. They are strong communicators.

Final Thoughts (from who could be better) Confucius

My favorite parenting quote is from Confucius:

“The most beautiful sight in the world is a child going confidently down the road of life after you have shown the way.”

Tape it to your mirror so you don’t forget your real goal in parenting!

Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert

MollyAllen | No comments
03 Jan 2012
Articles • Consultation Services • Counseling/Psychotherapy • Issues • Medication • Mind & Body • Patients/Clients • Professional Psychology • Specialized Services

New Year’s Resolutions You Can Keep

I’m going to lose weight. I’m going to quit smoking. I’m going to exercise more. You’ve made at least one of those promises to yourself as a new year’s resolution, haven’t you? But did you keep your resolution? If you didn’t you’re not alone. New Year’s resolutions don’t have a high success rate. In fact, only about 40 to 45 percent of American adults set at least one resolution come New Year’s. And while we start off on January 1 determined to follow through on our goals, come February or even mid-January, the majority of us have abandoned our goals altogether.  One study found that 46 percent of individuals who made resolutions were successful, compared to four percent who wanted to achieve a certain goal and considered it but didn’t actually create a resolution.

So why do we continue to make resolutions every year even though so few of us follow through? Well, we can start from scratch, better ourselves and besides, it’s a tradition. Setting New Year’s resolutions go back to Babylonian times. In 2000 B.C., the Babylonians celebrated the New Year for 11 days (starting with the vernal equinox), and one of their most popular resolutions was the returning of borrowed farm equipment. The Babylonian New Year and making resolutions were then adopted by the Romans. The Romans named the first month “January,” in tribute to Janus, the Roman god of beginnings and the guardian of gates and doors. Janus was pictured as two-faced so that one face looked forward into the future while the other took a retrospective view. Janus presided over the temple of peace, where the doors were opened only during wartime. It was a place of safety, where new beginnings and new resolutions could be forged.

So how do you make a resolution you can actually keep? Here are a few tips:

  • Keep it simple. Settle on one or two things that you really can accomplish.
  • Define one goal: It should be measurable, doable, and specific. “I want to get in shape” is too vague. “I will walk 2 miles, 5 days a week” is concrete.
  • If quitting smoking is one of your resolutions, take a sip of lemon juice whenever temptation strikes or nibble on sunflower seeds. Keep a pencil in your hand to keep it occupied, or play with a yo-yo.
  • Resolved to lose 10 pounds by spring? Indulge in a cup of herbal tea to get you through a midday slump or the late-night munchies.
  • Any regrets about the past year? To help focus on the future, write down your regrets on a scrap of paper and toss it into the fire. Janus, the two-faced symbol of the New Year, would approve.

Whether we resolve to return borrowed farm equipment (as did the Babylonians) or drop a few pounds, we’re tapping into an ancient and powerful longing for a fresh start. And like the Romans and Babylonians before us, we can do this.

 

Source: Psych Central, The Old Farmer’s Almanac

Sharon | No comments